It’s Not You…It’s Me
(A song directed at myself standing in the mirror)
Could change the world but stuck to the couch,
a bad attitude inside you try to hide, time to clean house
A vertical intention but attention reroutes,
To anything stimulating- self discipline yourself!
Your health depends on what you already know,
but your slow to react and lack self control.
I know that you know that God is watching,
The father, spirit and son around the clock not stopping.
A cloud of witnesses in addition but your shrinking at any inkling of mocking.
The same sin depraves men of knowing God but you can’t stop them.
Because you’re too stuck on yourself so you stay quiet,
You don’t don’t engage because you’re afraid with closed eyelids,
The silence is deafening because God is beckoning your insides,
Reckoning my stance because I’m trying to give you some insight.
I highlight the problem by writing on my own forehead,
When I say you, I’m looking in the mirror pleading wake up- because you’re dead!
A raised fist to the sky ready to enlist,
Steady with insisting on never missing,
A surgical strike precise towards the cyst,
Remove the cancer – its no vision – start the incision,
My mission is clear, leave myself in the rear view,
A clear view and focus to get the truth near you,
What better place than for truth to be inside your head,
But if I don’t speak, do I have your blood on my hands, that you’re dead?!
He bled, He died, He cried for your soul,
You run, you hide and you try to maintain control.
But I’ve learned you can run but Jesus doesn’t get tired,
My exhaustion gives Him time to shine like I grabbed a live wire,
So I hide my face and lift my hands to Him like I’m drowning in water,
Lack of me means more Him, I point you to the Father.
Anamnesis
A mind state deprived – pretending there’s no reality,
A walking dead man, I am my own fatality,
My mind starved and empty, after hungry for weeks
Can’t put my thoughts together, nor can I speak
Full of something without a name, an emotion untouched
Much of nothing or a lot of something – but what?
Searching, I can’t seem to put a finger on this,
Is it was I think it is if I’m being honest?
Distance from my first love framed in ignorance,
Bliss when ignored but my eyes have been opened since
I now miss home meaning hearing sirens on the block,
But that also means hearing phone calls of who got shot,
So I don’t call no more and now I’ve lost touch,
Or maybe I don’t want to use my past as a crutch
Excuses don’t bring me back to sanity
but is it vanity to think of what’s done branded me?
My story handed me pride but can it be,
That I’ve left it in the cold and now I cannot see?
But when I try to close my eyes at night to sleep,
From the deep of my mind memories start to creep
Like the time I witnessed my boy get pistol whipped,
Never knew what my hands could do- I truly lost grip!
Paranoia crept in and I had to watch my back
I thought rolling deep would keep me from falling through the cracks,
Rumors and whispers that my grave had been dug,
My eyes bugged as I was waiting to catch a slug,
Tomorrow didn’t matter, only the present,
Trying to stay hard forgetting the world by getting pleasant,
My life was wasting away and I wasn’t caring,
Not hearing my conscience and left cold staring,
God was knocking on my heart trying to get me open,
But I was happy drowning in agony gasping and choking!
Chorus:
Your sins are like bricks, your sins are like bricks,
Your sins are like bricks and you’ve been building a wall,
A wall so thick you don’t even hear me when I call.
It’s like I slowly faded away after a while,
A vagabond bag of bones who’s forgotten how to smile,
Too scared to show emotion except for frustration,
A lack of patience turn to rage that had me in my room pacing,
Blaming things on God as if it was his doing,
Couldn’t make up my mind if He was real and worth pursuing,
Smoking my life away filled up with chemicals,
The story of most of my team was identical
But listen to this next part believe it,
Receive it open hearted, its essential man you need it
Jesus made me realize that my pain was why He bled,
And although breathing I was walking dead,
He had me reading His Word showing me I could get out,
My sins were like bricks and I was setting up a wall of doubt,
It wasn’t that He couldn’t hear me or reach me,
My sin in fact encapsulated me so he couldn’t teach me,
All I had to do was stop what I was doing and repent,
then follow Jesus for this is why He was sent
Evidence of God’s power and forgiveness,
I quit filling my body with chemicals, His strength did this!
I am a new creation, reborn, a new man again,
Born from above, washed clean by His blood, Anothen,
It doesn’t mean that no my life is perfect,
I just know the one who is so now my next breath is worth it!
What do hear- can you hear anything?
A whisper in the darkness can enlighten everything?
When you stop for a moment to acknowledge the light,
It can smash your past if you let it leaving your future bright,
Trees don’t come up out the earth without a seed,
just the same without faith in God you will not see,
this life isn’t created just so you can have breath,
but so you can get to know Him and continue life after death
Reflection Inspection
As I reflect and inspect all that’s above my neck,
Memories tied up in my brain stored up in a mess
What’s what and when happened where and how come,
Do we ever have all the answers about what’s been done?
Yet what’s past is gone and cannot be changed from that,
It can be fixed and forgotten and that’s that,
As far as the east is from the west is how God sees our sin
Once we’ve asked for forgiveness it’s like we then begin
Life as we knew it becomes new and undone from the Son
battle won turned forward from backwards and told to run
No longer walking cause life’s too fast, the past is past
So start to look forward toward a future that’s at last
a relief From the pain, agony, and grief the sadness and disbelief
Like being stuck with no up, mouth closed and quiet as if deceased
Increase my strength to live my words and not just one day,
not one day numerical or rhetorical in hope as some say,
But as a life living one day for the moment, Taking back what was stolen,
throwing down pride knowing to run from a head swollen!
A reflection inspection
take a second look at yourself
and choose your direction
If I need to be broken then start the breakin, too much stuff start the takin
I don’t wanna be lying on my death bed thinking I left God forsaken
My maker and King destined me for living for His Glory,
And I know that because of these words most will ignore me,
But if I don’t take some time to acknowledge my purpose,
Any use of my words about anything else is worthless,
So let my energy from this day forward be with intent for His service,
Let my words be verbs that I live out with a heart that’s fervent
He purchased me with blood and by His own shedding,
Let me never forget that lest I end up regretting,
So when I look in the mirror let me see your face,
Let the glory be Your own with my desires replaced
No chase of my own but replication of your desires,
With consistency close to me- Jehova set this nation on fire.
Clarity Confirmed
Digitally slapping your eardrum with a backhand,
Your speakers losing many teeth like crack fans,
‘cause I’m brutal on the mic with violent airwaves,
With no regard to the speaker, and no care for fair play,
I’ll slap the snare drum and crack the hi-hat,
That rap and boom bap laced with biblical facts,
I spit that with intent to make you fall flat,
Most dudes rush in to sin and I try to stall cats,
A man, but I feel like a boy when I’m contemplating,
My spiritual maturity feels like I’m waiting,
Or maybe I’m stalling and there’s no time for falling,
Sometimes I feel stuck in life while God is calling,
So I’ll use this mic to tell my enemy who’s King,
My God is Lord over all and of me I’m including.
If I’m eluding your voice God, to you I’m sorry
Because a maze navigated is hard enough without it being foggy
CHORUS
Clarity, Surely, Confirmed, Perfect,
Your Beauty, More of You!, Your Words, Your Perfect!
Not wanting to complain using these sounds traveled,
But when I see life wasted or lost, I’m baffled,
I see some laughing at this tragic picture of walking backwards,
How can I attack what has people dying faster?
Drugs, love of money, lust- bring the rapture!
But help me, help those whom your love can capture.
Help me to take my mind and body by the horns,
Everybody’s got an opinion of what’s right until torn,
The quiet heart can hear you God so I’m trying to be silent,
I hear you clearly and see you when I close my eyelids,
Help me to move myself out of my own way,
So I’m guided by your voice and learn to obey,
Your voice telling me ‘Keep up with me!”
It’s OK – move with me, come on and move swiftly,
I want to do what you want and walk when it’s your will,
Teach me to listen by making the chaotic world stand still
CHORUS
Clarity, Surely, Confirmed, Perfect,
Your Beauty, More of You!, Your Words, Your Perfect!
ENDING CHORUS
Omniscient – Clarity, You’ll come – Surely,
I’m free – Confirmed, Spotless – Your Perfect,
I’m humbled – Your Beauty, Less of me – More of you,
Your Beauty – More of You!, Your Words – Your Perfect!
Ascension
As a child she always heard she was loved,
Growing up learned of the one up above,
Nothing shoved down her throat or forced,
If asked if she knew Jesus, she’d say ‘of course’,
A family that tried to show her attention,
Not to mention, with a lack of apprehension
Teenage years passing and her heart started to turn,
Knowledge still there but ignored what was learned,
Beautiful from the beginning- you could catch guys staring,
Girls wanted to be like her, but pretending they weren’t caring,
Ironically it was she that was pretending to care,
Sometimes she would just go home, sit and stare,
She wanted to be gone because she hated living,
Her smile became a front and plastic emotions given,
A foundation built she was trying to put on the shelf,
Determined to learn the hard way by learning herself
In the rain, in the dark or with pain He’s the same,
He’s the God that brings change to the saddest of frames
Sadness is no thing for the King over death,
Depression melts with the warmth of His breath!
In hating being alive she was convinced she had no purpose,
Depressions stranglehold whispering she was worthless,
Created with intention and obvious beauty,
But hated her body so much, starving became her duty,
Like she was never good enough and now bulimic tendencies,
A diamond in the rough but blind to her dependency,
Befriending sadness convinced there’s no use to try,
A dangerous decision now contemplating suicide,
Hungry for attention she turned to the opposite sex,
Opened herself up to be crushed, then on to the next,
A horrible painful cycle of self-destruction,
She let her heart get mishandled and undergo abduction,
The truth is, she needed to give her heart away,
But not to someone who would fail her or betray,
But to the savior of the world, king of hearts
The forgiver, the mender and creator of new starts
In the rain, in the dark or with pain He’s the same
He’s the God that brings change to the saddest of frames
Sadness is no thing for the King over death,
Depression melts with the warmth of His breath!
So this young woman was debating what to do next,
What she knew of God was beating in her chest,
At best she knew she couldn’t carry on living like this,
She looked up to her brother, wanted to walk in his likeness,
Because what he knew of God he lived with intensity,
And his propensity was to walk in his destiny,
He seemed to have life together and served God with fervor,
She decided for herself, she didn’t want to be an observer,
Traded her depression for joy that can only be obtained
From the one who controls life’s storms and quiets the rain,
She bowed before the King and acknowledged his existence,
Then the clouds rolled out when she asked for forgiveness,
Several years have passed and she can say she’s blessed,
A life worth living and of this I can attest,
You ask: “why am I so happy for this saved life?”
Because I’m in love with her, this woman’s now my wife!
Step Tracing
Retracing my steps in an effort to gain direction,
Or at least perspective based on inward inspection,
A life lesson that begs inquisition,
and I’m in a position to shed some light so lets begin-
My mom pulled my ear so much you’d think I was earless,
I ignored discipline, spiritually deaf and couldn’t hear this,
I acted fearless but on the inside I was in terror,
Careless about everything wearing a burden of errors,
I acted the tough guy like nothing bothered me,
Wannabe roughneck seeking respect- someone call on me!
The wrong man to be but I could at least see what’s coming,
I was afraid of my future so I just stayed running.
Gunning hard for anything to hide and cover up,
Pretend to be stable but I’m drowning, which way is up?
So I popped pills, smoked & drank whatever to be killing me,
Dying quick or slow, does it matter if it’s still willingly?
Silly me, I said no and ran to vilify anything but me,
finger pointing succeeded but loneliness cuts deep
so it seemed solo but God knows he was pursuing me
ignorance would soon see the never ending pursuit from my King
Chorus
Misplaced memories are a blessing but a burden,
I’m hurting but for what I’m not certain
step back in time to for no other purpose,
than curiosity- what’s behind my mind’s curtain
My expression was come test me and see,
I wish you would stare back, attack and run to hit me,
I thought I was tough or at least wouldn’t look otherwise,
I wouldn’t step back or back down so don’t look in my eyes,
I had a thick skin and thick head but inside I was hurtin,
I was ready for war but on the inside I was uncertain,
A hot head that would dangle my short fuse in your face,
Wishing you would light it so I could explode and taste rage,
with this anger in me I was scared I could not contain,
I remember debating with myself if I was going insane,
Please refrain from judgmental conclusions because I am new now,
necessary to explain if you didn’t know then but know me now,
I was desperate for my dad to give me any attention,
Me firing back – back fired and I became the son you don’t mention
Clenching my teeth fighting the small voice chasing,
My heart racing while I bob the truth I should be facing
Chorus
Misplaced memories are a blessing but a burden,
I’m hurting but for what I’m not certain
step back in time to for no other purpose,
than curiosity- what’s behind my mind’s curtain
I’m not proud of this past so don’t be mistaken,
I mention all this to show I’m free from enslavement,
For years I’ve stayed quiet for reasons I don’t know,
But I won’t grow if I don’t show my past who’s in control,
I try to remind myself daily of where I’ve come from,
I used to run from the truth but now I run to the Son,
I used to hide from life behind a cloud of smoke,
When conviction glistened I wouldn’t listen and so I made it choke,
But hope is alive and I’m grateful God is relentless,
A heaven sent love penetrated my hateful defenses,
My black heart made new and worth looking at,
My crooked mind made straight while I maintain my crooked hat,
The “What are you looking at” attitude replaced with different lenses,
It’s beyond an awakening or simply coming to my senses,
Because I had no sense but I was shown what a true friend was,
No greater love than laying down your life- So I Surrender!
Love Inquisition
1st John 4:18
If love was any kinda object what would you make it?
A heart plain to see with no cover so it’s naked?
Would you create a window and guard it so no one could break it,
fake it for some but have the real one hidden so noone could take it,
It would have to be real clear and spotless with no shades and,
Perfectly timeless forever cause we can’t have fading,
At this point in time, In your mind have you made it?
if you had to think about true love as an object how would you create it?
An ocean with no measurable depth for debating,
Or as deep as patience for a while of waiting,
Just a smile that can brighten anything,
Or a simple word that could give you wings,
Would it be the classic picture of a heart,
as if a shape could explain it all from the start,
Would you try to write a book so we can all get it,
Instead of telling love what it is -it could tell you who you are if you let it,
So what’s love (what’s love?) What’s love? (what’s love?)
Is it defined by and shaped by man’s hand, or is it designed wisely by the divine?
If you summed it up in a word what would it be?
Would you say its hope when sowing a seed,
Hope during and after until it becomes a tree,
To be carried all the way through to be love successfully?
Would it make sense to say that its generosity?
Would giving a hand to the hopeless align with your philosophy?
You may think you have it all figured out with your hypothesis,
A formulated equation explained away but you’re still living monotonous,
Honestly, are you having a hard time searching your vocabulary?
Do you not like to think about love in fact it’s scary?
Are you thinking you don’t know it? Or if at all just barely?
The way you grew up you knew no love or never sincerely
cause your parents where supposed to back you and they didn’t,
Or if your dad was supposed to how come it was you he was hitting?
You gotta be kiddin, if my wife or husband really loved me then why are they leaving?
If I’m supposed to be loved at church, then why are people’s smiles so deceiving?
So what’s love (what’s love?) What’s love? (what’s love?)
Is it defined by and shaped by man’s hand, or is it designed wisely by the divine?
Logistics
I sometimes find myself tied up in logistics,
Linguistic format diminished by statistics,
If it’s written I try to follow, But hard to swallow,
is life when you try to live it living hollow,
and I know by now that without Christ life is empty,
a frame of a man dirty with nothing to cleanse me,
Salvation is solely in his palms only,
unholy without Him, and you’re not dying slowly,
know you’re already dead like a walking zombie,
but I can relate, no question when the world is on me,
A backpack of worry crushing with sorrow,
In fact all that worry doesn’t extend tomorrow,
worrying about anything adds nothing to your days,
In fact it takes away because of the time you waste ,
Can I have your attention while I get back to the basics,
everything seems watered down to cover all bases,
they shun you if you have a have a sole view on what your thinking
anything else stands out as if your face was blinking
it’s like anything goes in this country we call home
land of the free which shows freedom with mind control
mass media geared to make you view their philosophy
day in and out sloppily get stuck sucked into monotony
Stop and see the way that your plagued,
When describing your pain you can only be vague
Crippled with a disease that feeds on ignorance
And It may be bliss for a time if you can convince
Yourself to be quiet while you drift into forever,
Ignoring your heart because that tie is severed
But what if at the end of the road that ain’t so clever?
And there is no second chance, nope never… nope never…
Insideout
At times I wish I could take my insides and place em out to see,
Without describing in detail what is going on in me,
It’s hard to tell of my mentality or mind state,
placed in front of you visually would be easier to rate,
My face may say one thing but my heart says another,
My complex sharpened but hardened undercover,
Brother to brother I’m having a hard time,
But I’m having a harder time finding the words to define,
What’s a man to say when he feels his tongue‘s frozen
Out of touch with my destiny for which I’m chosen,
I’m closing the gap between me now and me no longer,
I’m only a mere vapor of breath so God make me stronger,
I want to be made me the man I was created to be,
Unstuck from killer monotony with God elated at me,
Pluck the lazy from me, sleep walking away from me,
Rise from my sleep with deep passion the way it should be
Rip me open God, take my heart’s cry and translate,
I’m at a loss for words unheard so pull from me and create
Shake me down and unlock my deepest vision,
Make the incision and align me with your perfect mission
I’m amazed at how you’ve paid for me to be free,
So don’t let me stand in the way or delay giving you glory,
My story means nothing without you in it,
Even for a minute I fall short without the God infinite.
Not even half a man by myself, I’m diminished
If I leave myself undone I’m nothing so call me finished,
I can’t seem to express myself the way I want to say it,
So see me as I am but take away the way I sway it,
I don’t want to skew anything to benefit me,
I’ll regret it if I can’t act out what I say when setting it properly,
God sees the heart regardless of how a man judges,
The hardness of a heart weakened by the smallest of nudges,
So take and make me a man bent on your will,
With feet running wildly but a heart that remains still,
At peace because I got the hope that remains,
Sustain me Lord for war and set fire to my heart- Ablaze!
Rip me open God, take my heart’s cry and translate,
I’m at a loss for words unheard so pull from me and create
Shake me down and unlock my deepest vision,
Make the incision and align me with your perfect mission
What Has This Taught Us
I’m posting up catapulting ideas through your ears,
With an offer in front of you from the God who’s sincere,
The King of the universe but the God who cares,
An oddity in a world when somewhere to turn is rare,
Like staring at the sun will make your eyes blind,
Free your mind with a glimpse of my God one of a kind,
Keep in line, keep in step with the move of God,
His will divine, His rep, and ultimate Law
I stand in awe amazed by His love,
I wanna reach up to touch the heavens above,
What does it take to be a man after God’s heart,
To be in the world, along side but set apart?
Where to start, what step should I be taking?
All around me people’s hearts are constantly breaking,
Those already broken don’t wanna spoken to
The grip of sin is constantly reaching out and choking dudes,
Smoking through life blazed outta reality,
Not even in one occurrence or abnormality,
This has rapidly become the mindset of the city,
Better yet the mindset of sense taught by Fifty,
Or Tupac, the blocks hot taught by Lil Wayne,
A few in history who’ve shown how to escape the pain,
It aint a mystery to me -how it’s as if devil’s succeeded,
Because it can be easy to float through life getting weeded
Ive begged and pleaded but its time to demand it
Open your eyes, See the man who came and open handed,
In fact it was with His arms spread,
That He was placed up on a tree and for hours He bled,
Soaked in red with your name on His mind,
Leave past behind and make up for lost time!
It’s written that God is the God of peace,
But towards the power of darkness His vengeance wont cease!
Chorus
There’s too little, there’s too little, there’s too little time in life
Too little time in life so the beat I crush,
Brain spillage in excess on the beat like a rush,
Stay quiet and you’ll have to answer,
Keep from sin the plague and agony worse than cancer,
Walk through any city and feel or watch people suffer,
It’s as if manhood is judged by if you can get tougher,
Kids are getting rougher, in fact simply violent,
What started with fists and sticks is now bullets flying,
Young kids are defiant and don’t wanna listen to authority,
From experience try asking me if I even made school a priority,
All around me people dropped outta school including yours truly,
Knowledge is dropped on the curb and mocked by the unruly,
Lord undo me! Help me to seek after your wisdom,
I wanna amplify and reflect what it is to be of Your kingdom,
These days kids would rather do nothing than go to school,
The trade is thuggin and burners are the modern tools,
Introduction is early to guns and knives,
Young boys 10 years old claiming sets and taking lives,
Young girls getting pregnant with no thoughts of being wives,
People saying past 21 they didn’t expect to survive,
it seems like ‘why try?’ but that mindset is futile,
I’m not saying that life won’t stop getting worse or more brutal,
But the truth to listen to is that Jesus is returning,
He’ll put an end to the hurt and give the devil what he’s earning,
I’m just saying it’s in your best interest to be on His good side,
King of all Kings so to get to know Him you should try,
You cant buy your time so why do you act like you can,
When your breathing stops, no second chance to be a new man,
Its lights out with no switch to flip the lights back on,
He can make addiction to weed, ecstasy and crack gone!
Who can stand in the presence of Jehovah?
My point is accept Christ now before your life’s over….
The March To The End
Attack with words, snipe like Wesley,
Trust me- at the end of our time on this side of the line you’d best be,
Stinging with words to make you pay attention,
Not with intention of teaching you a lesson
But letting the Holy Spirit do the blessing of,
Stressing what’s important so best listen up,
Pushing out a plethora of what’s pleasing,
Not to me but to the King of Kings in all seasons,
Not the most popular or swayed by opinions,
But crushing the minions waving wands over millions,
You say you wouldn’t jump off a building if someone asked it,
But see your idol on TV so you copy till the casket,
You buy into it, a mass media fed glutton,
Still saying you’re your own person- no one can tell you nothing,
But snap out of that trance you’ve been swayed into,
Pull back with a force to collapse the structure of that sin dude!
Chorus
The mental twist and rinse with a kiss then split,
They quit but miss when sin’s aroma stinks they enlist,
The backwards wack words enticing a generation
The narrow way made plain has caused frustration,
No one listens, cares or wants to self inspect,
But point fingers, decay away and self disrespect,
I reflect on what isn’t in front of me- an element unseen,
I have in me a Lord, my savior the only true King
So I’m embracing the abrasive for strength growing,
No slowing the momentum so long gone like overthrowing,
On a warpath that spans only so long,
Because one day will be no longer, bye bye, so long,
Hold on to the one who’s the Lord, the rock eternal,
Strength internal, even when burned He’s the one to turn to,
If God is for you there’s no man that can stand in line,
Define strength with meekness, with a king your spine is intertwined,
A fiery fury clearly intending to bring swiftly,
A change to your off-axis view which is needed to shift, see?
Monkey see, monkey do with your eyes fixed on a façade,
And when things don’t work like on TV you blame it on God,
What right do you have to make this God’s problem?,
But His grace means even though it ain’t, He’ll still solve it,
Forget trying to fill the void with plastic gimmick self pleasure,
Jesus says drop the riches and make Him your only treasure